Sunday, 5 April 2009

Episode 5

Shallow Values 1: Switch 0.


Biff and Pam had been having sex all afternoon. "Biff can I take the mask off now?" asked Pam. "It itches."
"You may as well," said Biff sadly, "It's not really working for me anyway."


"I love you Biff," said Pam. "I never thought I'd ever meet a man who likes exactly the same things as me! Your superior beauty skills have done wonders for my dry unmangeable hair, you know all the lyrics to Dreamgirls and have the biggest collection of embroided lace doilies I've ever seen!"


Suddenly Biff's hatrosexual Uncle Alistair came in. "Just checking up on you," he said. "Are you still with that girl? Remember, no heterosexuality, no acknowledgement in my will."


Morag, hearing an unfamilar voice, flew into the room, showing her fangs. "Oh!" she said. "Who are you?"
"It's my Uncle Alistair," said Biff. "I like the way he smells," said Morag. "Hey, why don't you stay for dinner? Pam, go and make a six course meal now!"



Morag then tried to impress Uncle Alistair by reciting a selection of Robbie Burns poems.

"What though on hamely fare we dine,
Wear hoddin grey, an a' that?
Gie fools their silks, and knaves their wine -
A man's a man for a' that"

"I've never seen her in love before," said Pam. "She's even weirder than usual."


Switch was still trying to follow Leela around, in order to make Leela the subject of her PhD: "Shallow Values".

"Where are you going Leela?" she asked.
"I'm having a decadent Pamper Day at my favourite spa, Indulge Yourself," said Leela.
"Oh, can I come?" asked Switch.


"That's funny, Jeremy Monocle wanted to come with me too, oh here he is."


Switch freaked out. "No! He's trying to steal my idea, I mean, my friend," she said. "Leela, you should go with me, it'll be great, we'll have a girly chat about boys and lipstick and empty consumerism and all that stuff you like!"


"OK then!" said Leela. "That sounds fun! Sorry Jeremy, you can't come."
"Damn you!" cried Jeremy Monocle. "You win this time, but I will get that PhD written first!"



At Morag's dinner party, Morag fired question after question at Uncle Alistair, each one becoming more personal and inappropriate. "Do you like slugs? Who's your favourite political dictator? What do you think of my hair? How much money do you earn? What size underwear do you have?"



"Poor Morag," said Pam. "She's never had any use for social skills before, and she's just embarrassing herself by trying to be like a normal person."

"Shut your flaps!" hissed Morag. "Aren't you supposed to be a goody-two shoes Christian!"


"And by the way, this food you've cooked us is muck!"
"Well I didn't have any help," whined Pam. "I had to do it all by myself. And I don't feel well."
"Not surprised," cackled Morag. "I'm gonna hurl it all up myself..."


"Oh don't!" cried Pam. "I REALLY don't feel well."

And she threw up. All over Morag's clothes.

"AAAARRRRRGGHHH! You fucking bitch!" screamed Morag.


"It's morning sickness!" said Uncle Alistair excitedly. "She's pregnant! Well done Biff!"
"Christ!" said Morag.
"Christ!" said Biff also.


At the Indulge Yourself spa, Switch wasn't pleased.

"Leela, it cost £400 just to get in, and then we have to pay another £500 for a hot stone massage and then £600 to be wrapped in cling film."


"But Switch, it's worth it because I'm worth it," said Leela. "Just like Rachel off Friends says on the advert."


"Look, why do you think I'm happy all the time and you're miserable all the time? It's because I buy myself stuff. While you just sit around complaining and finding fault with society."


"Why not try a seaweed massage, it might help get rid of your orange peel skin and then boys would look at you and you wouldn't feel so unloved and ignored all the time," said Leela.


"Well," said Switch. "I supposed I do have orange peel skin, and I am miserable all the time. Maybe you're right. Maybe I should eschew my critique of consumer capitalism and embrace Shallow Values!"

"That's my girl!" said Leela, "Come with me to the Dark Side. I have such things to show you!