Saturday, 31 January 2009

Episode 3

Episode 3 Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf's Shopping List?

Pam was in a state of excitement: "I'm so looking forward to my next date with Biff!" she gushed to Leela, who looked bored.

"Last week he took me and 20 of his male friends to see the Steel Magnolias: The Musical starring Cher, Bette Midler, Patti Lupone, Rue MacClanahan, Lizi Minelli and the exhumed corpse of Judy Garland. Afterwards we went in this weird bar - the women were a bit rough though - I even think some of them had stubble!"

"Oh here you are Biff! You're an hour late, where were you?"
"I was having a manicure so my nails would look fabulous for you!" said Biff.
"They're lovely!" said Pam, giving Biff a hug, although he seemed oddly stiff and cold and did not respond.

Pam didn't seem to notice: "Come on lover!"
"Where are you taking Pam tonight?" asked Leela.
"Stallions, it's kind of like a health spa," said Biff.

"See if they can do something about Pam's enormous open pores," said Leela. "If I have to look at them for much longer, I swear I'm going to take a needle and thread to them."

After they had gone, Morag appeared. "How's the evil plan going?" she asked. "Has Biff convinced Pam he's straight so he can get his inheritance from his homophobic uncle?"
"It seems to be working," said Leela.
"Just make sure I get my share of the money bitch!" spat Morag. "Anyway, I'm off. I'm on a New Labour Quango and afterwards I'm playing Kerplunk with Peter Mandleson."

It was a lovely day and Switch had decided to do some work on her PhD in the garden.
"Oh Virginia Woolf, what feminist message were you telling the world when you wrote "2 turnips" on your shopping list? Will I ever decipher your code?"

She became aware that a man was watching over her shoulder. "Who are you and what do you want?" she asked.
"My name is Jeremy Monocle," said the man. "I have some important news for you. You must give me Virginia Woolf's shopping list at once!"

"But why?" asked Switch. "This shopping list is my ticket to a PhD!"
"I've travelled here from 1000 years in the future," said Jeremy Monocle. "Your PhD resulted in a feminist revolution - women all over the world read it and they rose up against male oppression. There was a devastating war and all of the men were killed. I am the Last Man on Earth and I've been sent back in time to stop you from writing your PhD! Now give me Virginia Woolf's shopping list"

"Get away from my face!" cried Switch, gathering up her things and running into the house.

Once safely inside, Switch started to have a panic attack. "I can't deal with this! Leela, you gotta help me. Here, take Virginia Woolf's shopping list and hide it for me while I think about what to do."

"Well, I couldn't really care less about you or Virgina Woolf's shopping list, but I guess it'll fit in my bag," said Leela.

Meanwhile, Biff and Pam were on their date at Stallions. "What an odd place!" said Pam. "I'm the only woman here! And most of these rooms don't have any lights on!"

"Why don't you wait here for a bit," said Biff. "I'm going to go and check out the steam-room. See you in a couple of hours."

"OK darling!" said Pam. "I'll just sit here quietly and say the Lords Prayer."

Back at the house, Switch had taken some beta-blockers and was feeling relatively calm again. "Leela, can I have Virginia's shopping list back!"
"Oh dear," said Leela, "I'm afraid it's not in my bag any more. Perhaps it fell out when I was in Claire's Accessories."
"Nooooooooooooooo!" screamed Switch.

Suddenly Jeremy Monocle appeared.
Switch jumped on him, clawing at his throat. "Where's the fucking shopping list? WHERE IS IT???"
"I don't know!" said Jeremy Monocle. "Get off me. This is cashmere!"

"Oh I remember now," said Leela. "I think I might have given Virginia Woolf's shopping list to Morag."

"That's right bitches!" said Morag appearing suddenly. "Hello everyone. Me and Peter Mandleson have been playing Kerplunk all afternoon and I'll tell you what, all of that exertion has made me hungry."

"Yum yum!" Morag ate up Virginia Woolf's shopping list.

"Burp! Not as nice as Alan Bennett's electricty bill, but it certainly filled a hole."

"Now I'll never get a PhD!" cried Switch. "My life is OVER!"

Tuesday, 13 January 2009

Episode 2

Episode 2 Pam has facial hair, Biff needs facial hair, Leela hates facial hair, Morag hates everyone.

Switch was busy working on her English Literature PhD thesis. "It's so hard!" (She had written 5 pages in the last 2 years.) Suddenly her evil landlady Morag appeared as if by magic.

"You still on with that rubbish?" Morag hissed.
"It's not rubbish. I'm looking at a very important topic - A feminist interpretation of a shopping list written by Virginia Woolf."

"Others may have looked at 'To The Lighthouse', but that's the easy way. I think that this shopping list of hers tells us more about feminist thinking than all of her novels put together."

"Not interested," said Morag. "Oh, and I'm doubling your rent as of last month. Pay up!"
"Why?" asked Switch.
"Because you're fugly and I hate you," said Morag. "Goodbye."

Switch put away her PhD thesis. "Sorry Virginia but you won't pay the rent, I guess I'll just have to write twice as many articles for Labia magazine this month instead."

Leela was passing by and overheard this comment. "You write for a magazine? Darling, how wonderful. Tell me what to like!"

"What do you mean? Switch asked.
"Oh, I'm too busy and stupid to have any opinions of my own, so I just read magazines and they tell me what to think," said Leela brightly. "So... what's in and what's out? I need to know."

"Labia isn't really that sort of magazine", said Switch huffily. "For instance, I'm writing an article about how this female cleaner earns £20 a week while this male banker earns £20,000 a week. It's clear sexism!"

"So...." said Leela, motors whirring furiously in her brain... "Bankers are in? I should go out with one? What colours go with a banker?" She wandered off, leaving Switch brimming with murderous rage and hatred.

Pam had been cleaning the kitchen all morning. "Nothing makes Jesus happier than a work surface that's been drenched in Dettol!" she said. She was interrupted by Biff and Leela, who had been "promenading" around outside. Pam felt herself go red again - she didn't know why, but Biff made her feel odd.

"Hi Pam!" said Leela. "Would you like us to show you how to bleach your moustache?"
"No!" cried Pam, putting her hand to her top lip in horror.
"I guess not," said Leela. "It wouldn't make any difference. You're a lost cause. Get me a drink Biff."

"How about a gin and tonic, duchess?" said Biff. "Oh the top on this bottle's too tight for me." He gave it a big twist and ending up spilling the contents over himself.

"Oh look at me, I'm such a silly bitch, I don't even know my own strength! Well at least those illegal steroids are working!" Biff and Leela fell about laughing.
"Take off that top -you can borrow one of my t-shirts," said Leela.

Biff stripped and for a second, Pam forgot how to breath.

"I'll be quick, there's an episode of The Golden Girls starting on UK Living that I don't want to miss", he said.

"Just out of interest", said Pam, "Is Biff seeing anyone at the moment? Is he seeing you?"
Leela spat out gin and tonic everywhere. "Oh honey, no he's not seeing anyone - well apart from half the local gym. Well, he's certainly not seeing me - I'm his fag hag!"

"Does that mean you buy his cigarettes for him?" asked Pam, who was unaware of the sophisticated language used by city folk.
"Er.... Yes, that's exactly what it means," said Leela. "Why, are you interested? Shall I tell him you want to fuck him?
"Goodness!" cried Pam, shocked. She ran from the room like a lady in a Victorian melodrama.

When Biff came back, Leela told her about Pam, and they both did a horrible cackly laugh for 10 minutes.

"Actually," said Biff. "I could do with a beard. My evil homophobic uncle Alistair is about to die, and he said he wouldn't leave me any money unless I was married. To a woman."

"Well Pam's about the only woman in the country who'd fall for it," said Leela. "I'll help to convince her that you're straight, if we can share the cash!"

Suddenly Morag materialised. "What a spiteful little plan," she said.

"I want a 50% cut of the money."
"What if we say no?" said Leela.
"I'll kill you both," Morag told them.
"OK, I guess it's 50%".

And so a wicked plot was hatched...