Monday, 23 February 2009

Episode 4

Episode 4 What A One Night Stand With Disgraced Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich Looks Like

Switch was moping around the house. Morag flew in.

"Hey, love the whole new 'lesbian chimney sweep' look," said Morag. "That bin bag you'd been wearing for the last three episodes was starting to stink."

"Oh leave me alone," moped Switch. "I still haven't forgiven you for eating my PhD data."

"I was doing you a favour!" said Morag. "Did you really think you could get a PhD by 'analysing' Virgina Woolf's shopping list? Did you?"

She flew away, cackling.

There was a knock at the door. "Oh what do you want Jeremy Monocle?" Switch asked.

"I've come to apologise for trying to steal your data," said Jeremy. "I want to confess everything. You see, I'm a famous entrepreneur - I invented chairs and the letter W. Every time someone sits on a chair I get paid £1."

"What does that have to do with me though?" asked Switch.

"Well," continued Jeremy Monocle. "I have everything: an enormous house on the artifcial island Palm Jumeriah, I own cloned versions of every Oscar and Grammy Award winner of the last 50 years, I have the largest collection of Faberge eggs in the known universe. The only thing I don't have is that elusive prize - an almost incomprehensible ultra-specific PhD in a social sciences subject... I thought I could steal your idea and the PhD would be mine!"

"Well thanks to you, Morag ate my PhD data and now I'll have to think of a whole new topic!" snapped Switch.

Leela swanned in. "Switch! You're dead clever right, can you help me with this dilemma? I've been slavering my face and body with this self-tanning cream for the last 6 months. However, I'm now reading that girls in Asia are trying to get their faces to look like white people so they've been using this skin-lightening cream. So what colour should I be?"

Switch sighed. "Why not mix the two creams together?" she suggested ironically.

"Perfect!" cried Leela, "Why didn't I think of that? No wonder you're doing a PhD!"

"Leela is like an embodiment of everything that's wrong with today's selfish capitalist, commerical, advertising, people-as-commodities, unfulfilled-wants culture!" cried Switch.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" asked Jeremy Monocle.

"She would make an ideal case study for my PhD!" said Switch. "I could just follow her around and write down everything she says and does, and then critique it, and that's my PhD!"

Meanwhile, Biff was taking his 'girlfriend' Pam to meet his uncle Alistair.

"Oh I do hope your uncle will like me! What a big house!" gushed Pam.

"Hello nephew!" said Uncle Alistair. "Who's this with you? I thought you were a big queer!"

"Certainly not", said Biff. "I'm as straight as Tom Cruise! This is my girlfriend Pam. She's a Christian and a virgin, so you can't get more normal than that can you?"

"Glad to meet you," said Uncle Alistair. "Come on in and let me show you around my enormous house."
"Enchanté" said Pam (pronouncing it "enn-chant").

"Are you sure you're not a queer?" asked Uncle Alistair, while Pam was on the loo.
"I swear on Cher's life!" said Biff.

"Well, it's a bit suspicious that she's still a virgin," said Uncle Alistair. "I want you to fuck her, and then I'll change my will to leave everything to you."
"I can do that!" said Biff. "I'll get it done tonight."

Back at the house, Biff was desperate. "My hatrosexual uncle wants to make me have sex with Pam. How am I going to go through with it?"
"Just pretend she's a man," suggested Leela.
"My imagination has been ruined by years of watching gay porn," said Biff. "I know! I'll make her wear a mask of a man."

"Oh I love crafts! I'll make you one," said Leela. "Who's face should I get?"
"How about Tom Cruise," said Biff. "But not a recent picture. He's got wrinkles now. Get one from his Top Gun days." He went off to write Pam a sexy love letter.

That evening, Biff came back to the house.
"Here's your Tom Cruise mask!" said Leela. "It took me ages to make it."
"That's not Tom Cruise you uninformed little idiot!" said Biff. "Its disgraced Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich!"

"You'll have to make me another mask, and quick! I'm meeting Pam in 10 minutes!"
"I don't have time!" cried Leela. "Switch wants to go shopping with me, she's been very pally lately. See you!" And she swept out.

Just then Pam arrived. "Biff, I got your letter. And I think I'm ready to lose my virginity. I'm so excited!"
"Well, to make the event extra special, you should wear this sexy mask," said Biff.
"I don't understand!" said Pam.
"Don't worry," Biff told her. "Everyone wears a mask on their first time. It's normal!"

"Well, OK!" Pam put on the mask.

"Take me Biff! I'm ready!"

Biff closed his eyes and climbed on top of Pam. This was going to be very difficult...

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