Saturday, 31 January 2009

Episode 3

Episode 3 Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf's Shopping List?


Pam was in a state of excitement: "I'm so looking forward to my next date with Biff!" she gushed to Leela, who looked bored.


"Last week he took me and 20 of his male friends to see the Steel Magnolias: The Musical starring Cher, Bette Midler, Patti Lupone, Rue MacClanahan, Lizi Minelli and the exhumed corpse of Judy Garland. Afterwards we went in this weird bar - the women were a bit rough though - I even think some of them had stubble!"


"Oh here you are Biff! You're an hour late, where were you?"
"I was having a manicure so my nails would look fabulous for you!" said Biff.
"They're lovely!" said Pam, giving Biff a hug, although he seemed oddly stiff and cold and did not respond.


Pam didn't seem to notice: "Come on lover!"
"Where are you taking Pam tonight?" asked Leela.
"Stallions, it's kind of like a health spa," said Biff.


"See if they can do something about Pam's enormous open pores," said Leela. "If I have to look at them for much longer, I swear I'm going to take a needle and thread to them."


After they had gone, Morag appeared. "How's the evil plan going?" she asked. "Has Biff convinced Pam he's straight so he can get his inheritance from his homophobic uncle?"
"It seems to be working," said Leela.
"Just make sure I get my share of the money bitch!" spat Morag. "Anyway, I'm off. I'm on a New Labour Quango and afterwards I'm playing Kerplunk with Peter Mandleson."


It was a lovely day and Switch had decided to do some work on her PhD in the garden.
"Oh Virginia Woolf, what feminist message were you telling the world when you wrote "2 turnips" on your shopping list? Will I ever decipher your code?"


She became aware that a man was watching over her shoulder. "Who are you and what do you want?" she asked.
"My name is Jeremy Monocle," said the man. "I have some important news for you. You must give me Virginia Woolf's shopping list at once!"


"But why?" asked Switch. "This shopping list is my ticket to a PhD!"
"I've travelled here from 1000 years in the future," said Jeremy Monocle. "Your PhD resulted in a feminist revolution - women all over the world read it and they rose up against male oppression. There was a devastating war and all of the men were killed. I am the Last Man on Earth and I've been sent back in time to stop you from writing your PhD! Now give me Virginia Woolf's shopping list"


"Get away from my face!" cried Switch, gathering up her things and running into the house.


Once safely inside, Switch started to have a panic attack. "I can't deal with this! Leela, you gotta help me. Here, take Virginia Woolf's shopping list and hide it for me while I think about what to do."


"Well, I couldn't really care less about you or Virgina Woolf's shopping list, but I guess it'll fit in my bag," said Leela.


Meanwhile, Biff and Pam were on their date at Stallions. "What an odd place!" said Pam. "I'm the only woman here! And most of these rooms don't have any lights on!"


"Why don't you wait here for a bit," said Biff. "I'm going to go and check out the steam-room. See you in a couple of hours."


"OK darling!" said Pam. "I'll just sit here quietly and say the Lords Prayer."


Back at the house, Switch had taken some beta-blockers and was feeling relatively calm again. "Leela, can I have Virginia's shopping list back!"
"Oh dear," said Leela, "I'm afraid it's not in my bag any more. Perhaps it fell out when I was in Claire's Accessories."
"Nooooooooooooooo!" screamed Switch.


Suddenly Jeremy Monocle appeared.
Switch jumped on him, clawing at his throat. "Where's the fucking shopping list? WHERE IS IT???"
"I don't know!" said Jeremy Monocle. "Get off me. This is cashmere!"


"Oh I remember now," said Leela. "I think I might have given Virginia Woolf's shopping list to Morag."


"That's right bitches!" said Morag appearing suddenly. "Hello everyone. Me and Peter Mandleson have been playing Kerplunk all afternoon and I'll tell you what, all of that exertion has made me hungry."


"Yum yum!" Morag ate up Virginia Woolf's shopping list.


"Burp! Not as nice as Alan Bennett's electricty bill, but it certainly filled a hole."

"Now I'll never get a PhD!" cried Switch. "My life is OVER!"

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