Tuesday, 13 January 2009

Episode 2

Episode 2 Pam has facial hair, Biff needs facial hair, Leela hates facial hair, Morag hates everyone.

Switch was busy working on her English Literature PhD thesis. "It's so hard!" (She had written 5 pages in the last 2 years.) Suddenly her evil landlady Morag appeared as if by magic.

"You still on with that rubbish?" Morag hissed.
"It's not rubbish. I'm looking at a very important topic - A feminist interpretation of a shopping list written by Virginia Woolf."

"Others may have looked at 'To The Lighthouse', but that's the easy way. I think that this shopping list of hers tells us more about feminist thinking than all of her novels put together."

"Not interested," said Morag. "Oh, and I'm doubling your rent as of last month. Pay up!"
"Why?" asked Switch.
"Because you're fugly and I hate you," said Morag. "Goodbye."

Switch put away her PhD thesis. "Sorry Virginia but you won't pay the rent, I guess I'll just have to write twice as many articles for Labia magazine this month instead."

Leela was passing by and overheard this comment. "You write for a magazine? Darling, how wonderful. Tell me what to like!"

"What do you mean? Switch asked.
"Oh, I'm too busy and stupid to have any opinions of my own, so I just read magazines and they tell me what to think," said Leela brightly. "So... what's in and what's out? I need to know."

"Labia isn't really that sort of magazine", said Switch huffily. "For instance, I'm writing an article about how this female cleaner earns £20 a week while this male banker earns £20,000 a week. It's clear sexism!"

"So...." said Leela, motors whirring furiously in her brain... "Bankers are in? I should go out with one? What colours go with a banker?" She wandered off, leaving Switch brimming with murderous rage and hatred.

Pam had been cleaning the kitchen all morning. "Nothing makes Jesus happier than a work surface that's been drenched in Dettol!" she said. She was interrupted by Biff and Leela, who had been "promenading" around outside. Pam felt herself go red again - she didn't know why, but Biff made her feel odd.

"Hi Pam!" said Leela. "Would you like us to show you how to bleach your moustache?"
"No!" cried Pam, putting her hand to her top lip in horror.
"I guess not," said Leela. "It wouldn't make any difference. You're a lost cause. Get me a drink Biff."

"How about a gin and tonic, duchess?" said Biff. "Oh the top on this bottle's too tight for me." He gave it a big twist and ending up spilling the contents over himself.

"Oh look at me, I'm such a silly bitch, I don't even know my own strength! Well at least those illegal steroids are working!" Biff and Leela fell about laughing.
"Take off that top -you can borrow one of my t-shirts," said Leela.

Biff stripped and for a second, Pam forgot how to breath.

"I'll be quick, there's an episode of The Golden Girls starting on UK Living that I don't want to miss", he said.

"Just out of interest", said Pam, "Is Biff seeing anyone at the moment? Is he seeing you?"
Leela spat out gin and tonic everywhere. "Oh honey, no he's not seeing anyone - well apart from half the local gym. Well, he's certainly not seeing me - I'm his fag hag!"

"Does that mean you buy his cigarettes for him?" asked Pam, who was unaware of the sophisticated language used by city folk.
"Er.... Yes, that's exactly what it means," said Leela. "Why, are you interested? Shall I tell him you want to fuck him?
"Goodness!" cried Pam, shocked. She ran from the room like a lady in a Victorian melodrama.

When Biff came back, Leela told her about Pam, and they both did a horrible cackly laugh for 10 minutes.

"Actually," said Biff. "I could do with a beard. My evil homophobic uncle Alistair is about to die, and he said he wouldn't leave me any money unless I was married. To a woman."

"Well Pam's about the only woman in the country who'd fall for it," said Leela. "I'll help to convince her that you're straight, if we can share the cash!"

Suddenly Morag materialised. "What a spiteful little plan," she said.

"I want a 50% cut of the money."
"What if we say no?" said Leela.
"I'll kill you both," Morag told them.
"OK, I guess it's 50%".

And so a wicked plot was hatched...

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