Wednesday, 31 December 2008

Episode 1

Episode 1 - If You Have Split Ends We Can't Be Friends

"My first time away from home!" said Pam excitedly. "Being in the city is wonderful! I'm sure I'll be able to secure a rewarding job which will let me change lives for the better, perhaps as a social worker. Ah, here's my new home - I can't wait to meet my new housemates, I just know we're going to be lifelong friends!"

A sulky-looking doll answered the door. "Hi, I'm Pam!" said Pam, giving her a hug. "I'm a Christian, my hobbies are doing word-searches, mending clothes and looking at sunsets! What's your name?"


"Oh Christ!" said the doll wearily. She then changed her tone, as if she was talking to a 5 year old. "I'm Switch. I have an important job writing for Labia - it's a feminist magazine. I'm actually bisexual myself. And if you don't like it, that's your problem, OK?"


Fortunately, Pam didn't understand any of the words that Switch had said, so she simply smiled happily and said "How wonderful! I know we're going to be best friends. I think God had a plan for us to meet! Just one question, why are you wearing a binbag?"

"Clothes are a form of patriarchal oppression!" snarled Switch. "My binbag is a protest. And it's nothing to do with my recent weight gain."

Suddenly, there was a drop in room temperature. "Here's Morag," said Switch. "She owns the house."

"Hi!" said Pam. "But my goodness! What's happened to your lips and face? You look like you've been in a car accident!"

"You fucking cunt!" screamed Morag. "I paid £50,000 to have all this surgery. You jealous bitch!"

Fortunately, Pam had never heard a swear word before. "What an interesting Scottish accent you have," she concluded. "It'll take me a while to get used to it."

"Later, bitch!" hissed Morag, flying out of the room, just as another doll sailed in.

"Switch! You got to help me!" she said. "If the big hand is on the 2 and the little hand is on the 6, what time is it?"

"It's half past you're mentally retarded!" said Switch. "This is Leela - she has an IQ of minus 400 and is a model. How surprising is that!"

"Enchante!" said Leela to Pam, letting her kiss her hand. "I'm sure you've seen me on television. I'm a presenter on that new channel - Slutz TV. People phone in and pay me money for me to lick my own fingers."

"Oh!" said Pam. "I don't watch television. Mummy says it rots the brain."

"Darling, how about you sort out your split ends, then we'll talk," said Leela disdainfully. "Anyway, I'm bored of you now. And Biff is coming over, so only have three hours to decide which shade lipstick to apply."

"Seeya, don't wanna be ya!" Leela sailed off.

Just then, the doorbell went. "That must be Biff already!" gasped Leela, running for the door.

A very attractive and muscular man entered, causing Pam to experience a strange sensation in her tummy, unlike anything she had ever felt before. "You must be Leela's boyfriend!" she said. "I'm Pam, pleased to meet you!"

"Oh honey!" drawled Biff, ignoring Pam completely. "Where did you find this one? So anyway girlfriend, you'll never guess who I've just been rimming in the steam room all afternoon..."

Biff then started a monologue that lasted one hour. Again, Pam didn't understand any of it, only the odd word "White Party.... krystal.... fisting.... pecs.... Streisand.... gimp suit.... Dolce and Gabanna...."

"You and your silly, decadent capitalist, hedonistic, consumer lifestyle!" screamed Switch, who could bear it no more. "You make me want to vomit!"

"Oh honey, a bit of bulima's just what you need, you could do with losing the weight!" giggled Biff, and he and Leela fell about cackling.

That night Pam unpacked her suitcase and settled into her new room. However, when she turned back the covers of her bed, she discovered something horrible.

"Someone's done a big smelly poo in my bed! Who can have done such a thing and why?"

"It was me!" said Morag, climbing out of the wardrobe, where she had been spying on Pam for the last hour. "That'll teach you to diss my face."

Morag then put her face very close to Pam's and licked it.

"Sleep tight bitch!" she said, before leaving the room.

After she had gone Pam reflected on everything that had happened during her first day in the city.

And she burst into tears.