Sunday, 17 May 2009

Episode 6

Episode 6. Everyone is Mostly Naked but It's Integral to the Plot

Earlier today, Pam had left the following message on Biff's answerphone. "Hi sweetie, it's Pam. Since I'm pregnant, I thought I'd better pay a suprise visit to you so we can plan our dream wedding. I don't want to shame Baby Jesus and give birth to a bastard!"

Unfortunately, Biff had been hanging around a public convenience used by the local army base all morning and had not checked his messages.

"What was your name again?"

"Hi Biff! Oh Mary and Joseph! What are you DOING with that man?"

"Please, Pam, I can explain everything!" said Biff. "We were just.... wrestling."

"Oh! Oh! Oh! You're a Uranian!" cried Pam (whose knowledge of homosexuality was somewhat outdated). "I knew something was up when you I saw all those DVDs of past Eurovision Song Contests under your bed!"

"You never loved me!" Pam blubbed. "You were just using me to get your uncle's money. Well bitch, the wedding is off, and I'm going to tell Uncle Alistair everything!"

She flounced out.

"That was awkward," said Biff's trick. "I suppose this isn't a good time to tell you I don't do anal."

Meanwhile, Leela had been showing Switch a new way of life.

"Oh Leela, I've been having such fun since I stopped caring about feminism, politics and the environment! Tell me again, WHO is Jennifer Aniston dating?"

Her rival, Jeremy Moncole appeared. Switch dug in her pocket and handed Jeremy a small piece of paper.

"Hi Jeremy. I want you to know that I'm giving up my PhD. Here's all of my extensive notes and stuff - you can use it for your own PhD. All I care about now are designer labels, celebrity gossip and weight loss."

"No! You can't give up!" said Jeremy Monocle. "You are my inspiration! Who am I going to copy from now?"

"I don't know," said Switch. "See you, Leela's going to give me a makeover."

Pam dramatically knocked on the door to Uncle Alistair's mansion.

"I'm sorry to break the news, but I just found your nephew naked with another man!"

"Filth! I knew it!" spat Uncle Alistair. "Right, I'm going to tell him he's out of my will."

After Pam had gone, Uncle Alistair had another visitor.

"Oh, it's you. What do you want?"

"You!" said Morag. "I haven't been able to stop thinking about you since Episode 5. Let's rut like wild animals!"

"Get away from me you crazy bitch!" shouted Uncle Alistair. "I'm NOT ATTRACTED TO YOU. You smell funny. You're weird. You have nasty hair." He ran inside his house and locked the door.

Morag remained rooted to the spot for a long time. It began to get dark and cold. A wind started to blow. This was not going to be good.

Later that day, Uncle Alistair visited Biff.

"Pam told me about your perverted inclinations! I'm cutting you out of my will. You'll get nothing. You're dead to me!"

"I don't care," said Biff. "I now realise that my own identity is more important than money."

But after Uncle Alistair was gone, Biff let out a big scream. "Oh fuck my identity! I want the money! WAAAAAHHH!"

Switch was in the middle of her makeover.

"I've just burned your lesbian chimney sweep outfit in the garden," said Leela. "Now, let's look at the new Switch!"

Switch gave a twirl.

"Very nice dear, but I'm afraid that while you were wearing it, it went out of fashion. You'll have to try something else."

"But all I've got is this bikini top," said Switch.

"That's better", said Leela. "Yes, wear that."

"But I'm cold and almost naked," Switch complained.

"Fashion doesn't care about your comfort," Leela told her. "No-one said being shallow was easy."

Biff had gone to visit Leela to tell her about his bad day. "That's funnny, the door's open but there's no-one in. Hey, what's that muffled sound from the basement?"

"It's Uncle Alistair! But why is he handcuffed and gagged? What's going on?"

Biff removed the gag.

"Let me free nephew! That crazy cow Morag kidnapped me and is using me as her sex slave."

"Hmmm, I thought I was dead to you," said Biff. "So why should I help you?"

"Oh no!" said Uncle Alistair, "She's back...." He started barking like a dog.

"Hello Biff," said Morag. "As you've discovered my little secret, I'm afraid you'll never leave this basement alive..."